Surviving a Filipino Zombie Attack
This year, Halloween fell on a weekend. However, I wasn’t with the Geto Boys trick or treatin’. I was at home watching DVDs and handing out candies to children with nice costumes and begrudgingly giving candy to teenagers dressed like they just shopped at Hot Topic. (Note to teenagers, a Pixies band t-shirt, jeans, and skeleton gloves is not a Halloween costume). Halloween marks the ending of Filipino American History Month and what better way to remind us that we need to wrap up the history month celebrations than to have countless horror films playing on dozens of cable channels.
One channel was showing a marathon of zombie films and I saw that 28 Days Later was playing. It’s a pretty good zombie film and I highly recommend it if you got some free time on your hands. The premise of the film did get me thinking. What if there was some form of lab created genetic zombie virus that attacked people with at least 1/4th Filipino ancestry? What would we need to do in order to survive and minimize the risk of zombie infection?
Fear not loyal PinoyLifers. The fan boys behind this site got you covered.
PinoyLife crew member Brian let me borrow a great book by Max Brooks titled “The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead.” The book gives tips on what to do, where to go, and how to survive if a zombie outbreak were to happen. Based on these concepts, here are some tips on how to survive if a 1/4th Filipino ancestry zombie infection were to come to your hood.
The inspiration to this article
Places to Avoid
Stay the hell away from any hospital
This one should be common sense but some of you think Travis Craft is cool so I better play it safe and state the obvious. Almost every hospital is loaded with Filipino nurses and sick Filipino people that will increase the risk of a Filipino zombie outbreak. It’s bad enough we have to deal with some of these smart ass auntie nurses telling us we gotta lose weight and lower our blood pressure only to see them in the fricken break room chowing down on lumpia, rice, and pork adobo and now we have to deal with them being undead and trying to eat our brains? Again, stay clear of the hospitals if you see zombies roaming the streets.
Do not go to your local church during a Filipino zombie outbreak
A lot of Pinoys may think that the end is near and will bolt full speed to the local church to start a marathon rosary session or start prepping for the rapture. I’m a big believer of prayer but I also know that even Pinoy zombies will go to a church to get their unholy sacrament of brain communion. Then again, I’ve seen how some of you worship at Sunday mass and the zombies might just think you are undead and skip you over. Don’t risk it though.
Stay away from shopping malls, Target, Wal-Mart, and Costco
These places are like Pinoy magnets. The Filipino zombie virus will have a feast at the local mall or big box store and will manifest itself wholesale at Costco (especially on Sunday after church). If you are in California, the following malls are extreme no-nos during a Pinoy zombie outbreak:
• Serramonte Center
• Glendale Galleria
• Los Cerritos Center
• Eagle Rock Plaza (Superhuge no-no during the zombie attack)
• Puente Hills Mall
• Long Beach Towne Center
• Great Mall of the Bay Area
• Westfield Plaza Bonita Mall
• Esplanade Shopping Center
Stay clear of the Serramonte Center during a Filipino zombie outbreak
If you really have to get your shopping done during a Filipino zombie outbreak, try the Beverly Center as Pinoys don’t like to pay for parking when they want to hit up a mall.
Stay clear of Piers and Docks
The Zombie Survival Guide says that these places would be good to go to during a typical zombie outbreak. But remember, we are dealing with the hypothetical situation that it is a Filipino zombie outbreak. If you’ve been on a cruise lately, you must have noticed that more than half of the staff are Pinoy. It would only take one cruise ship full of below minimum wage Pinoy workers to fuck up a zombie-free pier or dock. But if you are gonna have your brains eaten by a Pinoy zombie, the cruise staff Filipinos will probably be the ones to do it in the nicest way possible then make towel animal sculptures over your brainless corpse.
Do not go to a spoken word event
A lot of young Pinoys that just “found” their identities typically overcompensate years of not caring about being Filipino by spewing communist spoken word pieces at local open mics where they find new ways to hate America and focus on how much they’ve been oppressed by “the man”. You know what’s worse than getting killed by a zombie? Getting killed by one while you’re enduring some of this type of crappy spoken word. Then again, you could rule that as a mercy kill so maybe that zombie could be doing you a favor.
Dim Sum on a Saturday or Sunday
You can go to the dim sum but you’ll end up being one of the menu items for the zombies.
Safe Havens During the Zombie Outbreak
I realize that the options of where to go are limited but there are some places where you can seek refuge during the Filipino Zombie outbreak.
The high school where the cholos, crips, and gangsta-flips go
I’m not talking about the so-so private school, I’m talking about the public high school that’s loaded with troublemaking students. The ones that movies such as Dangerous Minds and Lean On Me were based on. According to the survival guide, these schools are virtual fortresses loaded with security gates and a cafeteria. So if you ever thought that your veterano cousin from Satanas or Hellside was a loser, his knowledge of crappy public high schools in your region will come in handy during the zombie outbreak.
The Olympic Gold Medal podium
It doesn’t have to be an Olympic year, just make a makeshift Olympic platform and stand on the gold medal podium. It’s a rare occasion you will see a Pinoy there. However, the exception is if the platform is near an Olympic pool cause then you might have to deal with a Natalie Coughlin zombie.
Country Club Member Areas
The only time Pinoys are in country clubs is if they are guests of a member, they rented out a hall for a debut or wedding reception, or they are working there as caddies, cooks, or bus boys. So if you just stay in the exclusive member areas and not venture into the kitchen or banquet halls, you should be safe.
In front of the Camera during the filming of a scripted TV show
You see any Pinoys on your favorite non-reality TV shows? Exactly.
The concept of training dogs for a sled race that takes place in a really cold place just doesn’t have a lot of appeal to the general Filipino populace. That’s why it makes a great spot if you want to survive a Pinoy zombie outbreak. You’ll just have to deal with the fact you are in the freaking cold watching a bunch of dogs pull sleds with Nordic men.
Pinoy Zombie Deterrents
In the event that you cannot avoid the Filipino zombies, there are some items that you can use that will help keep them away from you.
Your high school American history textbook
Do you remember that time in high school during your American history class when your teacher went over something called the Philippine insurrection or spent some time discussing a labor union leader named Philip Veracruz? No? Doesn’t ring a bell? That’s because a lot of the Pinoy contributions to U.S. history just seem to be glossed over in most high school courses. Oh sure, they can make our asses read countless things about Cesar Chavez and George Washington Carver but not much about Filipino Americans. So the next time you see a Pinoy zombie outbreak, hold up your high school American history textbook to the Filipino walking corpse as if were a crucifix to a vampire and they should leave you alone since Pinoys and high school American history books do not go well together.
Adobo made only with white chicken meat
If you show some adobo with only white chicken meat to any Pinoy, alive or zombified, they’ll not want to be around you.
And if all else fails, I offer this final strategy…
Form an organization for Filipino zombies and then hold a zombie pageant. Rig the pageant so that a ringer dressed like a zombie wins. Once that happens, all the other Pinoy zombies will get pissed and form their own Filipino zombie organization and leave you alone. You can turn a Filipino into a zombie but it doesn’t mean they stop being Filipino.